I walk a fine line here. I’m not as straight-laced as my parents (not even kind of), but I am a bit more conservative than other sex bloggers. This has lead to times of indecision, uncomfortable discussions with other bloggers, and once or twice I’ve been shamed by bloggers that considered me on the outside (I’m not going to name names. Don’t ask). At this point, I don’t care. I am what I am, I write what I write, I think what I think. Still, I can’t help but notice that as not fully a sex blogger, not fully a marriage blogger, and not fully a review blogger, I don’t quite fit.
A few days ago I woke up and found several contacts I had with companies had quit, lost their jobs, or simply stepped down from their positions, and several perks and discounts I relied on for my reviewing hobby were disappearing. This was going to deeply impact how and how often I receive toys for review, how much I would pay for them, and what quality I was going to be able to afford. I thought about joining some affiliate programs, but after talking for a while with Husband on the matter, we decided it is not something we want to get involved in at this moment. That aspect of the blog is something I’m still trying to figure out. But to be honest, the reviewing was only supposed to be a bit here and there anyway. I know there have been a lot of reviews lately, but that’s just because I happened to try several new products fairly close together.
Then there is the rest of it. The part where I actually talk about sex. The part where I talk about marriage. And occasionally, the parts I talk about kids or why something in the news/magazine/internet has greatly pissed me off and I felt it needed to be discussed. I’m sure you remember last time that happened.
I was in a pretty big funk. I thought that I really had nothing of value to say except for the review part, and with reviews possibly slowing down in the near future perhaps it was time to call it a day. What could I possibly offer? Does anyone even read the nonsense I type out? It was time, I decided, to hang up my sex blog hat and walk away. It was fun while it lasted. So long and thanks for all the fish.*
Small bouts of depression will do that to you. Not that giant, suicidal, life is not worth living depression, but the small little thunderstorms that make you doubt yourself. Make yourself a cup of tea, listen to Mumford & Sons, have a good cry, and move on. You’ll find a new hobby. It’s the same self-doubt crap that’s been occasionally rearing it’s ugly head since I was a kid.
“It would free up more time for you in the evening,” Husband said. I agreed that it would. He wasn’t sure how to advise me, and I don’t think he felt he should be giving any direction at all. This, he feels, is my thing.
In retrospect, it all sounds very silly. Big deal if my reviews are a little further between. I’ve got other things to talk about. But that’s where I was. I was ready to end this aspect of my creative life and go back to focusing purely on my mommy blog. (Yes, I have one of those. Shut up. Don’t judge.) The plan was to finish up the reviews for products I had, say whatever came to mind, and that’s it.
And then it changed and I knew that if I ever decided to stop, now was certainly not the time. You see, a friend was taking a human sexuality class and asked if Husband and I would be open to being interviewed about our sexual history and current sex life. We both readily agreed. To us, it’s just sex. It’s something everyone does. She thanked us several times and told us her classmates were having a heck of a time finding couples to interview. No one, it seemed, wanted to talk about sex. We don’t understand why.
Sex sex sexity sex sex.
Where was I? Oh, yes. This particular person knows that I’m Batman my true identity and that I run this blog. Occasionally, she reads it. (Hey, there.) Now, I can’t remember if this was part of the interview or just small talk, but she did ask me some questions about the blog. Husband chimed in, telling her that I’ve been a big help to some people who have been able to open up to their spouses.
That’s when all the self-doubt and worry and plans to pack it in came crashing to the floor. As Husband talked about me and this blog, I realized that he was right. I thought about all the messages I’ve received from people. All the questions I had answered. The people that were actually opening up discussions about sex with their spouses because the read something I wrote. I was succeeding at doing exactly what I wanted to do: make sex normal and open up frank talk. Allow spouses to see that they can, and they should, be open with each other. That it’s perfectly fine for friends to swap tips. That sex in and of itself is not shameful.
I realized that I don’t give a flying flip if I only have 20 people–5 people–2 people reading what I put out there as long as those people are taking something away from it and opening up to each other.
*It’s a Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference. Kudos if you got it. You know where your towel is.