The Night of the Zombie Vibrator

I’m about to tell you a story.  A true story.  Scout’s honor.  OK, I was never a scout, but my parents did take me to sign up for scouts once, but were told that they were already full.  So I never got to be a scout.  Sad face.

Anyway, I’m going to tell you the story of the night of the zombie vibrator.  OK, it wasn’t so much night as it was early afternoon, but that doesn’t sound as scary.  No good story begins with, “It was a bright and sunny afternoon, just like this…woooo!

I don’t tend to buy bullet vibrators, as I find them to be buzzy and annoying.  The exception would be high end bullets, like the We-Vibe Salsa.  However, many companies give away bullet vibes as freebies with orders so it’s likely that even if you never actually buy a bullet vibe you will own one at some point.

One day, I decided to give bullet vibes another chance.  For science.  Or boredom.  I don’t remember which.  So I pulled out a tiny, silver-colored vibrator with no manufacturer’s name on it, inserted the batteries, and turned it on.  Yep, just as annoying as I remember.  I twisted the dial to turn it off, but it kept buzzing away.  I tapped it, shook it, gave it the evil eye, but it wouldn’t turn off.  Like any sane person, I took the batteries out.  That’s where the story should have ended, but it didn’t.

I lay the batteries apart from it (out of reach of children.  Never, ever allow button batteries or watch batteries within reach of children.  EVER), and set the bullet on top of my wardrobe.

Dzzt dzzt dzzt.

What was that?

Dzzt dzzt dzzt.

No freaking way.  I turned back to the wardrobe and found the vibrator had turned itself back on without any batteries in it.  I picked it up, and it buzzed a few times in my hand before finally going quiet.  I stood there, utterly confused.  Hey, but that’s what electrical engineer husband is for.  I asked him about it, and he just shrugged, which means he doesn’t know, doesn’t feel like explaining it, or doesn’t believe it actually happened.

Still want an answer, darn it.


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