His hobbies include running through the yard and sabotoging my sex life

You may have noticed that a lot of my time, energy, and twitter feed recently have a lot to do with a certain Great Dane puppy.  Before you say, “Oh, geez, she’s gonna talk about that freaking puppy again,” give me a minute.  This is totally apt.  Cross my fingers heart.

People keep telling me that puppies are like babies.  That’s false.  Puppies are more like teeth with fur that have the intellect of a baby and the mobility of a toddler that has just chugged three espressos and a Red Bull.

And the puppy loves us.  Loves us so much, he wants us to know we shouldn’t love anyone else but him.  He is a simple dog.  Cute, but simple.  And nothing wakes him up faster than knowing Husband and I are trying to sneak back to our room for some couple time, or even solo time.  It’s like someone shines the freaking Bat Signal.

I found myself alone one day and thought I would finish testing a few toys for reviews I had coming up.  Even though he has a crate (what some people call a kennel, basically a large cage to sleep and be contained in), he fell asleep in the middle of the living room.  Well, sleeping dogs lie and all that.  I tiptoed to the bedroom, but left the door open so I could hear if he got up.  I got as far as taking out the toys before I heard the telltale jingle jingle jingle as he realized I was no longer in the living room.

With nothing to be done, I decided to wait until his next nap time.  It came about an hour later.  Again, he fell asleep in the middle of the living room.  Again I was quiet as I left.  And again he was aware I was gone within 2 minutes.  OK, I told myself.  His next sleep cycle.

The next time, I still hadn’t thought to put him in his crate.  Maybe I hadn’t had enough sleep.  Or caffeine.  Or the right amount of each.  But again I crept.  Again he was almost immediately aware.  As I shooed him out of my room, not exactly dressed, a neighbor knocked on the front door.

I gave up and went to make myself some lunch.  As I put some bread in the broiler drawer, the puppy decided that he may want to stick his head in there.  And when he wants to be, he’s ninja quiet.  I saw him out of the corner of my eye just in time.  No animals were hurt in the making of this post.

Who needs orgasms when you have a puppy, right?  Yeah, sure.

Part of the problem is he has no other puppy to play with.  And he really, really wants another puppy to play with.  Our geriatric dog does not want to play and has no problem telling him so.  We take him to obedience classes and puppy play groups, but the only interactions he’s had have been terriers.  It seems like everyone that attends have tiny terrier puppies, and the interaction between them, without fail, no matter which puppy he’s playing with, goes like this:

Great Dane: Hi, wanna play?
Terrier: Sure!  I like play…holy crap, you’re enormous.
GD: Yeah, I guess I am.  But I’m your age.  Wanna play?
Terrier: No.  Too big.
GD: Please?  Look, I’ll play bow for you.
Terrier: Don’t care.
GD: I’ll even wag my tail.
Terrier: You can wag your tail until it falls off for all I care.  Get away from me.
GD *gently touches terrier with paw*: Aw, come on.  Play with me.
Terrier: Did you just touch me?  IMA GONNA USE YOUR SKULL AS MY NEW FOOD BOWL.
GD: Please don’t be aggressive towards me.
Terrier: Try and stop me.
GD: Final warning, my friend.
Terrier: BRING IT.

At this point, the trainer steps in and separates him and the terrier, and then they fight over who gets the attention of Lady Treat Human (the trainer).

But finally, something happened.  A Pit Bull puppy came to class.  She was happy and friendly, and the day went like this:

GD: You’re new.  Wanna play?
Pit Bull: OMG YES.
Terrier: Stop it.  You’re messing up my training circle. Get away from Lady Treat Human. She’s mine.
Pit Bull: O hai!  Didn’t see you down there.  Wanna play?
Terrier: Get away from me.
Pit Bull: Come on.  Let’s play!
Terrier: I have no problem taking your nose off your face.
*Trainer steps in, and puts Terrier on her lap*
Pit Bull: Want me to kiss you, Terrier?  Everyone is always happier when I kiss them.  Come ‘ere, you!  KISSES!!!!
Terrier: Stop that.
Pit Bull: Kisses, kisses, kisses.  Kisses make everyone happy.
GD: I wouldn’t do that–
Terrier: I WILL END YOU.
Pit Bull: What’s his problem?
GD: He’s always like that.  Wanna play over here?
Pit Bull: Oh, yes!
Terrier: Stop it!  Get away from each other!  This is not dignified!  I WILL PULL YOUR TEETH OUT ONE BY ONE AND MAIL THEM TO YOUR OWNERS.

After our Great Dane and the new Pit Bull rolled around the floor for awhile, actually playing and learning, as opposed to seconds away from killing each other, he came home exhausted.  He took himself to his crate, crashed for several hours, and Husband and I were able to go back to our room, have time together, and get a shower.  When we were done, he was still asleep.  And all was well.


His hobbies include running through the yard and sabotoging my sex life — 1 Comment

  1. OMG! THIS IS SERIOUSLY SO CUTE! More more! I want more! I couldn’t stop laughing! I’m sorry…I shouldn’t be laughing so much especially since you couldn’t get toy testing done, nor have alone time with your partner, but…LOOOL! *cough* ok sorry. I’ll stop now…. *laughs*

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