Finding the Time: Getting the Groove Back

I do a lot of reading for what I do here.  I visit forums, read reviews, books, magazines, websites, articles… the list is endless.  Something that I keep seeing over and over again is women complaining that they just can’t manage to have sex because they either don’t have time or they simply don’t want to.  Although I understand their feelings, I find the idea worrisome.  It’s easy to get into that rut, and very hard to get out.  It seems like spouses start to get angry with each other over it, which only leads to more feelings of “I don’t want to,” or “There’s no time,” or “I’m too tired.”  Now, sometimes a person really can’t manage it.  They’re ill, or exhausted, or on a particular day there really isn’t time.  It happens.  But what about when that excuse becomes a daily problem?  “He/she doesn’t understand my sexual needs,” or, “He/she no longer wants to have sex,” are problems that I see people complain about fairly often.

Once in that funk, how do you get out?  Folk wisdom states that the more sex you have, the more you want it.  Some experts suggest having sex at least once a week, and some couples have taken on grand experiments like having sex every day for a whole year.

I honestly can’t say if there is a single thing that will work for absolutely everyone.  I’m not a sex therapist.  But what I can say is what works for me and some of the people I’ve talked to about how they get out and stay out of that no-sex-in-marriage funk.

Husband and I tried the sex every day for a year thing.  For us, that led to all sorts of problems.  For one, we ended up discussing what actually counts as sex.  Does it count only if there is penetration?  If there is orgasm?  Does any sort of sexual activity count?  And we found that knowing we had to have sex whether we wanted to or not felt too much like a chore.  We realized that we had sex almost daily anyway, so the whole 365 thing didn’t really work for us.  However, there do seem to be other couples who planning on having sex for X number of days works for.  I won’t knock it, it just didn’t work for us.

Husband and I aren’t really planners when it comes to sex.  But, I’ve heard other couples have had good luck with planning a special “date” night and/or time that they set aside to be intimate with each other.  If that works, go for it.

For Husband and I, the point is not when we do it, or whether we want to do it, but to make sure we have the intimate time together that we need, lest we fall into that same kind of rut.  There has been more than one time when we’re feeling distant from each other, angry, and downright cranky, when we look at each other and ask “Do we need to go have sex?”  Even when sex is the furthest thing from our minds, we find that yes, we do.  It’s part of life.  Part of marriage.  And one that is increasingly overlooked.  Did you know that it is estimated that 40 million Americans are stuck in a sexless marriages?  True story.

Sources:
Why you should have sex at least once a week” by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex counselor (CNN)
Yes, Dear.  Tonight Again.by Ralf Gardner, Jr. (NY Times)

Why I moved

If you’ve made the hike to follow me all the way over here from WordPress, congrats!  Nice to see you.  If you are meeting me for the first time, hey there!  Nice to see you.

Now, for those of you that followed me over, you may be wondering why I spontaneously moved.  The blog was doing pretty well over there, the stats were pretty rockin’, the useability and user interface was fantastic.  And, you may note, that generally people go from Blogger to WordPress, not the other way around, so what gives?

Simply put, here is the issue.  Sometimes I add links.  It’s just a necessary part of what I do here.  WordPress didn’t always like what links that I made and would flag them as “affiliate links” (links where you make money per click and such).  Even though I didn’t actually have links like that, they got flagged anyway.  This resulted in me having to contact WordPress and get it fixed and yadda yadda yadda.  But, the issue did get fixed.

I thought it did, anyway.

Turns out it didn’t really.  See, there is a company I intend on working with during the course of this blog.  Call them a sponsor, if you will.  They give me perks (but not money) for talking about them every now and again.  I don’t mind doing that.  I like them.  They’re a great company.  I buy most of what I review here from them (at the time of this post).

Recently, I received an e-mail from this company that said due to WordPress’s terms of service, they can’t work with me while I remained there.

Ouch.

But I really wanted to work with this company.  I was faced with a very difficult decision.  I could stay with WordPress, where I loved the interface and was doing well but would not be able to work with my favorite company, or, I could go through the pain of moving my blog, in it’s entirety, over to Blogger/Blogspot, hope it does as well, and hope my followers so far follow me over.

You can clearly see what decision I made. Welcome to Blogger.

For those that knew me over there, I really hope you made it over.  And those of you that know me, the real me, personally, who had been afraid to comment and leave evidence of you visiting, you’ll find that I’ve now made it so you can comment anonymously. 

So there we go.  From this point backwards in time, you’ll see all of the posts, photos, and reviews you saw over at WordPress.  They’re all here.  From this point forward, you’ll see all new material.

And yes, I know the follower widget is not working at this moment.  I’ve already contacted Blogger about it.

Body Paint Fail…Again.

Chocolate body paint @ Rollinthehay.blogspot.com

If you remember from before, I was going to make chocolate body paint as a fun, creative thing to do with the Husband.  Tonight was a good night to try that again.  The kids were in bed, Husband had dosed off in another room, dinner dishes were done, and there was peace in the house.  What’s more, I knew I had a spare paintbrush that had never been used that would be perfect.

As I dug into the cabinet for the right pot, I dropped a metal lid.  The sound echoed through the house.  I stopped.  No sounds.  I hadn’t disturbed anyone.  I continued.  I pulled out the recipe (this is the recipe, by the way), melted the sugar (which took longer than I thought it would), removed from heat, added the butter.  So far, so good.  Added cocoa and vanilla.  Still OK.  For the small amount of alcohol the recipe called for, I decided to use creme de cocoa.  I tried to pour the half teaspoon into the pot, but it splashed more than I intended, and so added about 3 times the amount I meant to.  Whoops.

OK, not a fail yet.  Yes, it now tastes a little funny, but it’s still workable.  No problem.

At this point, I figured it was a good time to go wash the spare paintbrush I had.  I picked up and found the bristles to be…crisp.  Not crisp as in new, crisp as in been used.  Also, glittery.  It was glittery.  Crap.  I had given it to one of the kids for his glitter paint and forgotten about it.  Try it with fingers…works OK, not great.

Well, alright then.  Paint in a jar, lid on the jar, and into the fridge it goes.

Sigh.

We-Vibe 3 Review …maybe part 1?

~I received this item at a 30% discount in exchange for a review on another site.~

Husband and I were so very excited to try the We-Vibe 3.  There was so much hype around it being one of the best couple’s toy ever.  It has to be something awesome, right?  Well…maybe not.  In fact, I don’t know that I can even write a proper review on it, so, for the moment, here’s the lowdown.

The We-Vibe 3 is marketed as a couple’s vibrator.  It’s a U (or C) shaped vibrator that is made to have one arm sit on the g-spot, and the other arm on the clitoris, and used during sex.  It’s waterproof, rechargeable, comes with a plastic storage case and a remote (but there’s a button on the vibrator itself if you lose or break the remote).

We-Vibe 3 @ Rollinthehay.blogspot.comFirst off, the initial charge takes 24 hours and I am not a patient person.

Second, as far as the actual use goes, Husband and I gave up in about 10 minutes.  The vibrations are weak.  The We-Vibe slipped all over the place and wouldn’t stay put.

I’m disappointed.

A lot.

We-Vibe 3See, if it doesn’t stay put, there is no point to the thing.  I mean, I know that it is somewhat anatomy dependent, meaning it won’t work for everyone, but I think Husband and I are pretty typical.

For the moment, we’ve stopped using it, with the intention of picking it up again when we feel less frustrated with the thing and seeing if we can somehow make it work.  In the meantime, I’m sticking with the We-Vibe Touch.

~I received this item at a 30% discount in exchange for a review on another site.~

It’s here, it’s here!

A plain brown box has just arrived at my house.  In it contains the ever-so-much buzzed about (no pun intended) couple’s toy, the We-Vibe 3!  What’s all the hubbub about?  Well, the We-Vibe 3 (along with it’s former incarnations We-Vibe 2 and just the We-Vibe, and not to be confused with the We-Vibe Touch), is one of the few high-end, quality toys on the market that is designed specifically for couples!  And, I kid you not, it has a remote.  Really.  And it’s rechargeable!

So, you may be asking, where is the review?  Unfortunately, the initial charge takes a full 24 hours, so I’m trying to be patient and not fiddle with the buttons or remote before that point.  It’s hard.  I’ve already turned it on once to see what it does.

I Love You…Too Bad You’re Broken

Over a hundred years ago, Sigmund Freud declared some really crazy, and downright wrong things about female sexuality.  Among these little tidbits, Freud decided that an orgasm by way of the clitoris is “immature” or “adolescent,” and an orgasm by vaginal stimulation from her husband is the “mature” way to have an orgasm.  To this day, many men describe women as “frigid” because they don’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone.  This has led to women feeling ashamed and their partners feeling angry and frustrated.

Here’s a fun fact: Freud was dead wrong.

The truth is that only around 30% of women can orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone.  That leaves 70% to be “frigid.”  In other words, although both ways to the big O are normal, it is more common to not be able to orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone.

My early days with Husband were incredibly frustrating in this area.  I wanted to O through what I believed was the “normal” way, i.e. without any clitoral stimulation.  I tried, he tried, we tried.  Frustrations and anxiety flared.  I was still living in the realm of “All women can orgasm from vaginal stimulation.”  Did that mean something was wrong with me?  Was I broken?  Was Husband angry with me that I couldn’t do this very normal thing?  Would he hate me for it?

After a few years, I ran across the actual numbers, and they showed that there was nothing wrong with me.  I was perfectly normal.  Excited, I showed the statistics to Husband, who also came around to the realization that it had nothing to do with me, or him, or us.

So if it is now proven that not having a vaginal orgasm is normal, and also having a vaginal orgasm is normal, why does the myth perpetuate?  Well, one reason could be the prevalence of and easy access to porn, which some people seem to view as a source of information.  But that alone wouldn’t do it.  It’s that PLUS the lack of education about the way a female body works.

Think back to your sex ed days.  Do you remember what you learned?  Here’s how my class can be summed up:

  • Here’s a cutaway diagram of a male and female and what the reproductive parts are for
  • A baby is made when sperm comes in contact with the egg and grows in the uterus
  • Here’s how to put a condom on a banana
  • These are the horrible things that can, and likely will, happen to you if you have sex

Notice the glaring lack of the words “orgasm” and “clitoris.”  They’re not necessary for procreation.  They don’t get sick.  They don’t need to be treated.  They are simply words that have to do with pleasure, and that has no place in education, apparently.  So where are young people getting the information?  From erotica and each other, both generally reeeeally wrong.

I really hope some day the education will be better.  I fully believe it will lead to less frustration from husbands and shame from their wives.

Source: I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller

My Favorite Part

Life is hard, no?  Stress with kids and school, worries that I’m not as good of a wife and mother as I’d like to be, exhaustion from the every day duties.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my life.  Every bit of it.  But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get to me sometimes.

I live for the last moment of the day.  The time when I fall into bed with the man I love more than anyone I’ve ever loved.  As we snuggle against each other, the stress, worries, and care of the day can’t even find us.

Frustrations

I’ve been trying to find like-minded blogs to add to my blog list, and having a huge amount of trouble doing so.  I’d love to find some Sex & Marriage blogs, but can’t seem to do so.  Scouring Google hasn’t led me anywhere productive.  Most are either opinion columns about same sex marriage or where different religions stand on sexual issues.  Although I am religious (“WHAT?!”  Yes.  Stay focused), it’s not what I’m looking for.  Just looking for sex blogs or sex toy blogs lead me to all sorts of crazy places.  Though I have found a lot of blogs with really great sex and toy information, I haven’t been able to find ones that are like what I’m trying to do here at Rolling in the Hay.  They’re out there somewhere.  They have to be.

And why shouldn’t they be?  I mean sometimes I find cutesy blogs or articles that just skim the surface about sex and marriage.  But sex, marriage, and sex toys?  I’ve only found one that fit the bill without being, oh, let’s say interest specific, like people that actually live the slave/master fantasy in all areas of their lives.  Not…quite…what I had in mind.

Anyway, in my looking, I came across a very brief article called 5 Reasons to Hate Sex Less.  Whoa, boy.  Flag on the play.  Even though there was some good, although shallow, information there, I had so much trouble getting over the title.  Am I, as a woman, a married, healthy, adult, consenting woman with *gasp* children supposed to hate sex?  Who on earth made that rule?  Are we still stuck in the days of lie back and think of England?  I mean, someone close to me did tell me once that Husband and I have sex too often.  The statement confused me.  Her definition of normal frequency was somewhere between twice a week and twice a month.  Maybe that’s normal for her, but not for us.  To this day, I don’t understand why she thought my number was odd.  I won’t tell you what the number is, but it is more than twice a week.  Another woman I knew thought the only sex position was missionary.  Wow.

I’d call for more sex ed, but I don’t know that it would help.  I mean, even in sitcoms, you always see the husband begging the wife and the wife shutting him down.  Does that seem right to you?  It doesn’t to me.  If he’s in the mood, and I’m not, I try to get there.  He does the same for me.  Generally, we both end up having a great time, even if it takes a little to get going.

Am I odd for being a married woman who enjoys my husband?  I don’t think I am.  I think it’s more likely that there are women out there that are somehow afraid to enjoy sex or afraid to admit they do.  The idea of sex toys must be downright terrifying to them.

Coquette Corset 1063 Review

Coquette Corset 1063 Green

~I originally got this product at a 30% discount in exchange for writing an honest review off site.~

I don’t have many pieces of awesome lingerie.  In fact, it’s been a long time since I’ve bought anything for myself just because it was pretty.  But then I saw this corset.  Coquette Corset 1063.  I mean, really, how gorgeous is it?!  I couldn’t resist getting it, but had to wait for a whole month to buy it, as it was out of stock in my shop of choice.  I purchased mine within hours of it coming back in stock, and they are already gone again, less than a week after the restock.

A little bit about it: The corset is made of polyester and is handwash only.  There are hook and eye closures at the front (one row of hooks, two rows of eyes for adjustment), and the laces for tightening are at the back.  The boning is plastic, and contains ten bones in all.  This cutie comes with detachable shoulder straps, detachable garter straps, and a bow (unties but does not detach).  It does NOT come with stalkings or bottoms.  The packaging is very simple: hanging from a fabric wrapped padded hanger and covered in plastic for protection.

Green Coquette Corset 1063 back

Coquette Corset @ arollinthehay.comWhat  I loved: When I picked this up, I was pleasantly surprised by how heavy and solid it was.  It just felt nice.  Well made.  There is no stretch to the fabric, so no worries about it bulging out at an unflattering part of the body.  However, because of the lack of stretch, the back laces must be adjusted.  An extra set of hands is necessary for this.

I loved the length.  It came down as far as an average shirt on me would.  I stand at 5′ 6″, which is slightly taller than average, and so worried that I’d end up with a midriff-bearing piece.  I’m so glad I didn’t!  And, the boning and shape give me a nice hourglass shape that I loved without making my shape look artificial.

What I didn’t:  There is no bust support!  None!  Nada!  No underwire, no molding, nothing.  Although the corset has some minor bust shaping on the top (it bows out at that point), it can’t be called support.

It’s very hard to sit while wearing this.  Very hard.  The stiffness and boning holds you upright.  However, that can’t be helped.  To make it more flexible would take away some of the shaping abilities.

The front is kind of stiff, so every time I got one hook through the eye, another hook came back out.  This caused a lot of frustration for me, but Husband is able to stand in front of me and do the closure easier and faster.

Final thought:  I love this corset.  It’s gorgeous and feels great.  Photos don’t quite do the color justice.  I find my biggest complaint is the lack of bust support.  If that were fixed, I’d give it a full 5 stars.  As it is, 4.

~I originally got this product at a 30% discount in exchange for writing an honest review off site.~